INTRODUCTION
"Just as having a happy marriage doesn’t guarantee career success (for men or women), not having one doesn’t guarantee failure. If you need proof, look at Nora Ephron, Madeleine Albright, Maya Angelou, Condoleezza Rice, Carly Fiorina, and the thousands of other women who succeeded professionally despite not choosing “well” the first time or not choosing at all. Did you know Maya Angelou married three times? And although she doesn’t publicize it much, Sandberg is on husband number two.
I have tremendous admiration and respect for anyone who picks the “right” partner on the first try. But for those who don’t, please don’t believe this will make or break your career success or your happiness. It won’t. Those things, for the most part, are up to you."
http://www.the-broad-side.com/
"Just as having a happy marriage doesn’t guarantee career success (for men or women), not having one doesn’t guarantee failure. If you need proof, look at Nora Ephron, Madeleine Albright, Maya Angelou, Condoleezza Rice, Carly Fiorina, and the thousands of other women who succeeded professionally despite not choosing “well” the first time or not choosing at all. Did you know Maya Angelou married three times? And although she doesn’t publicize it much, Sandberg is on husband number two.
I have tremendous admiration and respect for anyone who picks the “right” partner on the first try. But for those who don’t, please don’t believe this will make or break your career success or your happiness. It won’t. Those things, for the most part, are up to you."
http://www.the-broad-side.com/
This blog is not going to be a manual about how to find a millionaire, or how to get a beautiful model/actress to fall in love with you, or how to have gorgeous children and live happily ever after. Besides,---as the above quote shows, there are hundreds of books on the market that will tell you what YOU THINK you need to know about getting married. But, I am going to tell you what you need to KNOW you KNOW about being the kind of person who wants to and is able to be the kind of person someone else wants to marry.
If you knew me personally, you would probably ask me what do I know about being married since I have never been married? Well...not legally that is, but I have had 3 long term relationships lasting over 5 years each, in which I shared residence, had children, performed housework, signed leases and did everything else that "married" people do, just without the ceremony, big white dress, fancy party, getting a messy divorce or all that other unnecessary "pomp and circumstance" that most people are accustomed to.
Don't be shocked if I tell you some things that you don't want to hear or do. If I didn't do that, then I wouldn't be doing my job properly. It is not that love and marriage is hard work, like most relationship counselors want you to think. Love and marriage with THE WRONG PERSON is hard work. Love and marriage to someone WHO DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE about what love and marriage is all about, is hard work. And, love and marriage with someone who DOESN'T WANT TO LEARN what love and marriage is all about, is even worse and even harder work.
This blog is going to be broken down into three sections: PREPARATION, CONTINUATION, AND TERMINATION. These are the things that we need to do "CONSCIOUSLY" before we get into a relationship that we hope will lead to marriage. I have not had a successful marriage, but I have had several successful relationships. Unfortunately, those relationships did not (and did not have to) culminate in signing papers, having children or going through a nasty and expensive divorce proceeding. Sometimes, marriage just is not "in the cards" (so to speak) for two people, and it is better for those two people to remain friends and keep it moving.
One thing I can tell you for sure...I did not choose well --- and I was not prepared to get married. I am still learning and I have learned from my past mistakes AND I've gathered enough material to write about it here. Without going into too much personal detail (because that is not necessary) I can tell you that I wish I had had someone to tell me how to do it. ("If I only knew then what I know now!") This is probably the reason that some cultures have arranged marriages, because young people are too stupid, or too trusting, or too hormone driven to make these types of decisions on their own. In some respects, that may be true...so why is there not more "MARRIAGE TRAINING" in schools or churches around the world? Well...in some respects there is...but it is disguised as RELIGION or DATING ADVICE. But, what I have found is that Religious leaders give people moral advice, and advice on how to be a "good Christian" or a "good Muslim" etc., they don't teach you how to break out of the mold of your parental upbringing or the society's expectations of your personal behavior in order to be truly happy with your chosen life partner.
And, dating advice never truly addresses the PSYCHOLOGICAL aspects of marriage and dating or the MORAL implications. That is because most people don't like to be either told that there may be something wrong with them emotionally, or mentally...nor do they want to be told who they can have sex with or not.
I do not want to know how to pick a good person...I know what a good person looks and feels like. I want to know what to do when that "good person" turns out to be a jerk or a user, but I've already put my love and trust in God and in them to "do the right thing" but THEY DON'T DO IT!!! You see...Religion is not a substitute for PSYCHOLOGICAL STABILITY. There are a bunch of people running around out there who are getting married, or who are already married to other people WHO ARE NOT NORMAL AND WHO HAVE SERIOUS PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS. That, my friend...is the bottom line for all relationship problems...for all business problems...for all religious problems...for all the problems concerning how people get along in this world in general.
SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST PLAIN BAT SHIT CRAZY!!! (Please excuse the profanity.)
This has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you are gay or straight, believe in a particular religion's tenets or not, have lots of money or not, or whether you are attractive, intelligent, or talented or not. It has everything to do with discovering who you are as a person...so that you can BE the person you want to marry. What's that you say...Carla J.? That's right...I said: "You need to already be the person whom you wish to attract to marry." In the metaphysical world this is called the principal of Mutual Attraction or "like attracts like." You attract to your life the people, situations, jobs, physical objects, etc...everything that your mind is attracted to and thinks about constantly. But, it is not enough to attract that which you desire...you must know what to do with it after you get it. (Be careful of what you wish for... you just might get it!)
That is the reason for this blog. I am going to tell you how to attract that which you desire by being prepared for it. Because if you are not truly ready for it...it is not going to come. The Universe is MUCH SMARTER than you are. It knows what you need even before you know what you need...and it is just laying and waiting for you to recognize the signs that what you want is on the way
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PREPARATION
Do you know that you get married in your mind BEFORE you actually get married in reality? It is mostly little girls who dream of being a mommy, having a home, taking care of a family, etc. Men sort of just go along with the program and somewhere around college age they figure out that it is time to find a suitable mate, settle down, have kids, yada, yada, yada. But, it is usually the women in their lives who are the driving force toward them actually getting married. That is why it is so important for the females in a society to be careful about how they approach life, how they are raised by their parents to approach life, and how they raise their children to approach life,in general. Whether or not two people eventually decide to marry or divorce, is a decision that will effect a female's entire life from the day she is born until the day she dies. Why?--- It's because females CARRY LIFE (period!)
The progress or downfall of any society can be measured by how well they treat or take care of their female citizens. If your females are abused, mistreated, discriminated against, confused, held down or held back...your society cannot and will not ADVANCE. I don't care how much progress you THINK the world has made up to this point...we are headed for a rude awakening when it comes to how well we have treated women in this (meaning the Western) and many other societies. When you lose respect for the development of your females...you might as well just kiss your futures good-bye.
Therefore, it is paramount for us to concentrate on how well we are raising our daughters. Then and only then will our sons be able to learn how to be father's,--- not from their mothers, but from the fathers who have learned from their fathers who have learned from their fathers, who have treated the women in their lives with love and respect. Do you see where I am going with this? If a son cannot and does not love and respect his own mother...how can he ever hope to learn how to love and respect the other women in his life? A good husband is a good son...and, a good daughter will make a good mother, who in turn will make a good wife...who in turn will keep her husband happy, who in turn will teach his sons how to keep their wives happy etc., etc.. Like the Chinese people say: "Happy wife...happy life."
So be very, very careful about who and what influences your children. Learn to be a good parent BEFORE you lay down to share your bodily fluids with ANYONE. We need to work on reversing or improving the marriage material we have within our beings that we acquired from our parents, and then use that as a FOUNDATION upon which we will build our marriage home. Without that foundation...your pending marriage or the one you have only dreamed about will be a failure before it has ever begun.
I don't know many people who were raised by wolves, (although they might act like the were) or people who were abandoned at birth by their mothers. SOMEBODY raised you to be the person who you are today. Yes, you have "developed" your personality, from outside influences and the other people you have been around. And, your family dynamics have very much (almost everything) to do with your personal future marital bliss. That is not to say that if you come from happy parents that you will definitely be happy, or if your parents divorced that your marriage will be an utter disaster. However, we do tend to learn from example. Therefore, if the example you had growing up is not working for you, then just get some new examples. Find out from old married couples what's kept them together. Ask other couples who are happy (or, at least appear to be happy), what's their secret. Read books, take notes, go to classes. Do whatever it is you need to do to FIX YOU...FIRST!!!
This has absolutely nothing to do with money, what you look like, what you do for a living, or anything like that. It is all about finding out if you are alright with who you are right now. Are you crazy? Did your parents or somebody else in your life make you crazy? Can you get along with people in general under most circumstances? Do you like yourself? Because if you don't like you...nobody else will like you either. This means...get help, get therapy, get saved, get a job, lose weight, lose the attitude, gain confidence, gain weight, workout, get fit, get healthy, get educated, learn etiquette, get sophisticated, get busy, move out, stay put, do or learn whatever it is you need to KNOW will make you a better person for YOU! Not for someone else. Remember--- this program is about becoming the person you want to attract to yourself to marry or whatever...not about being who the society says you should be.
This is NOT a magic formula. This is going to take hard work and perseverance. The amount of time it takes is up to you. Remember...ANYBODY CAN GET MARRIED...but, it takes a special person to Marry Well.
Next time we will talk about how work, career and other life choices influence our ability to pick and marry well.
Happy renovations!
If you knew me personally, you would probably ask me what do I know about being married since I have never been married? Well...not legally that is, but I have had 3 long term relationships lasting over 5 years each, in which I shared residence, had children, performed housework, signed leases and did everything else that "married" people do, just without the ceremony, big white dress, fancy party, getting a messy divorce or all that other unnecessary "pomp and circumstance" that most people are accustomed to.
Don't be shocked if I tell you some things that you don't want to hear or do. If I didn't do that, then I wouldn't be doing my job properly. It is not that love and marriage is hard work, like most relationship counselors want you to think. Love and marriage with THE WRONG PERSON is hard work. Love and marriage to someone WHO DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE about what love and marriage is all about, is hard work. And, love and marriage with someone who DOESN'T WANT TO LEARN what love and marriage is all about, is even worse and even harder work.
This blog is going to be broken down into three sections: PREPARATION, CONTINUATION, AND TERMINATION. These are the things that we need to do "CONSCIOUSLY" before we get into a relationship that we hope will lead to marriage. I have not had a successful marriage, but I have had several successful relationships. Unfortunately, those relationships did not (and did not have to) culminate in signing papers, having children or going through a nasty and expensive divorce proceeding. Sometimes, marriage just is not "in the cards" (so to speak) for two people, and it is better for those two people to remain friends and keep it moving.
One thing I can tell you for sure...I did not choose well --- and I was not prepared to get married. I am still learning and I have learned from my past mistakes AND I've gathered enough material to write about it here. Without going into too much personal detail (because that is not necessary) I can tell you that I wish I had had someone to tell me how to do it. ("If I only knew then what I know now!") This is probably the reason that some cultures have arranged marriages, because young people are too stupid, or too trusting, or too hormone driven to make these types of decisions on their own. In some respects, that may be true...so why is there not more "MARRIAGE TRAINING" in schools or churches around the world? Well...in some respects there is...but it is disguised as RELIGION or DATING ADVICE. But, what I have found is that Religious leaders give people moral advice, and advice on how to be a "good Christian" or a "good Muslim" etc., they don't teach you how to break out of the mold of your parental upbringing or the society's expectations of your personal behavior in order to be truly happy with your chosen life partner.
And, dating advice never truly addresses the PSYCHOLOGICAL aspects of marriage and dating or the MORAL implications. That is because most people don't like to be either told that there may be something wrong with them emotionally, or mentally...nor do they want to be told who they can have sex with or not.
I do not want to know how to pick a good person...I know what a good person looks and feels like. I want to know what to do when that "good person" turns out to be a jerk or a user, but I've already put my love and trust in God and in them to "do the right thing" but THEY DON'T DO IT!!! You see...Religion is not a substitute for PSYCHOLOGICAL STABILITY. There are a bunch of people running around out there who are getting married, or who are already married to other people WHO ARE NOT NORMAL AND WHO HAVE SERIOUS PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS. That, my friend...is the bottom line for all relationship problems...for all business problems...for all religious problems...for all the problems concerning how people get along in this world in general.
SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST PLAIN BAT SHIT CRAZY!!! (Please excuse the profanity.)
This has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you are gay or straight, believe in a particular religion's tenets or not, have lots of money or not, or whether you are attractive, intelligent, or talented or not. It has everything to do with discovering who you are as a person...so that you can BE the person you want to marry. What's that you say...Carla J.? That's right...I said: "You need to already be the person whom you wish to attract to marry." In the metaphysical world this is called the principal of Mutual Attraction or "like attracts like." You attract to your life the people, situations, jobs, physical objects, etc...everything that your mind is attracted to and thinks about constantly. But, it is not enough to attract that which you desire...you must know what to do with it after you get it. (Be careful of what you wish for... you just might get it!)
That is the reason for this blog. I am going to tell you how to attract that which you desire by being prepared for it. Because if you are not truly ready for it...it is not going to come. The Universe is MUCH SMARTER than you are. It knows what you need even before you know what you need...and it is just laying and waiting for you to recognize the signs that what you want is on the way
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
PREPARATION
Do you know that you get married in your mind BEFORE you actually get married in reality? It is mostly little girls who dream of being a mommy, having a home, taking care of a family, etc. Men sort of just go along with the program and somewhere around college age they figure out that it is time to find a suitable mate, settle down, have kids, yada, yada, yada. But, it is usually the women in their lives who are the driving force toward them actually getting married. That is why it is so important for the females in a society to be careful about how they approach life, how they are raised by their parents to approach life, and how they raise their children to approach life,in general. Whether or not two people eventually decide to marry or divorce, is a decision that will effect a female's entire life from the day she is born until the day she dies. Why?--- It's because females CARRY LIFE (period!)
The progress or downfall of any society can be measured by how well they treat or take care of their female citizens. If your females are abused, mistreated, discriminated against, confused, held down or held back...your society cannot and will not ADVANCE. I don't care how much progress you THINK the world has made up to this point...we are headed for a rude awakening when it comes to how well we have treated women in this (meaning the Western) and many other societies. When you lose respect for the development of your females...you might as well just kiss your futures good-bye.
Therefore, it is paramount for us to concentrate on how well we are raising our daughters. Then and only then will our sons be able to learn how to be father's,--- not from their mothers, but from the fathers who have learned from their fathers who have learned from their fathers, who have treated the women in their lives with love and respect. Do you see where I am going with this? If a son cannot and does not love and respect his own mother...how can he ever hope to learn how to love and respect the other women in his life? A good husband is a good son...and, a good daughter will make a good mother, who in turn will make a good wife...who in turn will keep her husband happy, who in turn will teach his sons how to keep their wives happy etc., etc.. Like the Chinese people say: "Happy wife...happy life."
So be very, very careful about who and what influences your children. Learn to be a good parent BEFORE you lay down to share your bodily fluids with ANYONE. We need to work on reversing or improving the marriage material we have within our beings that we acquired from our parents, and then use that as a FOUNDATION upon which we will build our marriage home. Without that foundation...your pending marriage or the one you have only dreamed about will be a failure before it has ever begun.
I don't know many people who were raised by wolves, (although they might act like the were) or people who were abandoned at birth by their mothers. SOMEBODY raised you to be the person who you are today. Yes, you have "developed" your personality, from outside influences and the other people you have been around. And, your family dynamics have very much (almost everything) to do with your personal future marital bliss. That is not to say that if you come from happy parents that you will definitely be happy, or if your parents divorced that your marriage will be an utter disaster. However, we do tend to learn from example. Therefore, if the example you had growing up is not working for you, then just get some new examples. Find out from old married couples what's kept them together. Ask other couples who are happy (or, at least appear to be happy), what's their secret. Read books, take notes, go to classes. Do whatever it is you need to do to FIX YOU...FIRST!!!
This has absolutely nothing to do with money, what you look like, what you do for a living, or anything like that. It is all about finding out if you are alright with who you are right now. Are you crazy? Did your parents or somebody else in your life make you crazy? Can you get along with people in general under most circumstances? Do you like yourself? Because if you don't like you...nobody else will like you either. This means...get help, get therapy, get saved, get a job, lose weight, lose the attitude, gain confidence, gain weight, workout, get fit, get healthy, get educated, learn etiquette, get sophisticated, get busy, move out, stay put, do or learn whatever it is you need to KNOW will make you a better person for YOU! Not for someone else. Remember--- this program is about becoming the person you want to attract to yourself to marry or whatever...not about being who the society says you should be.
This is NOT a magic formula. This is going to take hard work and perseverance. The amount of time it takes is up to you. Remember...ANYBODY CAN GET MARRIED...but, it takes a special person to Marry Well.
Next time we will talk about how work, career and other life choices influence our ability to pick and marry well.
Happy renovations!
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