CONTINUATION

Before we continue...let's recap for a minute.  Let's assume for a moment that you've analyzed your childhood, you know that you have some problems to work out AND you are raising children yourself. So, where do we go from here? First off, you are either in a relationship with someone right now...or you are not, right? There is no such thing as a "sometimes" relationship. Let's get real...those situations are called friendships! Unless your mate is serving overseas in battle, or they work for a company that has sent them away on business, or they are scouting out a new location to move the family to...whatever feelings you may have for them, I hope that they are pretty secure and they will continue. That's called a marriage. You know that your mate is coming home (hopefully) at some point, and the two of you are going to get your lives together back in order, and the marriage will continue. But, any other situation is called a friendship. Even if you two have vowed UNDYING LOVE for one another. You are still and should be just friends. No "friends with benefits", or "they're on my team"...or "But, we love each other so much..." None of that. But, the sad thing is...that sometimes even married people don't like each other, and are not friends, anymore. So, those people need to work on that aspect of their relationship, (seriously)...so they can remain married or else their relationship is dead in the water. So, the basis of any new relationship and even with your old relationships, is learning how to be someone's FRIEND.

So let's define friendship. "The state or condition of being with or among friends"...and, of course we all know how dictionaries work so now, we have to define the word friend. OK...So a friend is a person whom one KNOWS and with whom one has a "bond" of MUTUAL AFFECTION (that's an important point...so write that one down), typically (but not always) EXCLUSIVE of sexual or family relations. That would imply that once you have crossed the boundary of having sex with someone ...that you are no longer just friends. And, that may be absolutely true.  That's the reason why when after two people have had sex for the first, (or the second or the hundredth) time then they will be lying in the bed looking up at the ceiling talking about..."OK...So what do we do now?"---"What do we call ourselves now?" ----"You gonna call me tomorrow?" Right? You know what I'm saying?  So, truthfully...until you get to really KNOW the other person, it's best to just leave the sex alone. And, THAT'S the reason why sex before marriage should be dissuaded, in the beginning of a relationship. Not because the Bible or the Quaran, or the Torah says don't do it.  It's because YOU DON'T KNOW THE OTHER PERSON, SO YOU HAVE TO WAIT!

You don't know if they are healthy, you don't know if they are sane, you don't know if they are loyal, you don't know if they will steal from you or your family.  There is a whole boat load of stuff that you don't know about that person. Unless, you were born and raised with them, have lived with them, or their Grandma was your babysitter.  You know what I am saying? And, even then, there are still some other things you need to know  Are they ambitious, respectful, worldly, emotionally stabile, lazy, etc., etc.?  The list goes on and on.  Because what you need to KNOW is NOT whether or not they make a lot of money, or drive a nice car, or live in a nice apartment...you need to know if that person is going to support your dreams and aspirations, are they gonna bring you soup when you are sick, are they going to be there when you really need them? You feel me? Personally, I have never had that kind of loyalty in any of my long-term relationships. 

My so-called mates left me hanging, literally holding the bag, out in the cold, kicked to the curb...because I didn't get the chance to really KNOW THEM.  I never knew who they were deep, deep down inside. It went from having sex, to pretending to be a family, to making money, to having no money, to not having sex, and then BOOM!  No more relationship. Because not only was the REAL love missing (did you catch that?)...we were not friends. So, there was no loyalty, no sense of obligation, no compassion, no duty...nothing to hold the relationship together and all we ended up with was arguments, bickering and severe legal problems. And, it's those legal problems that DESTROY PEOPLES LIVES. Everything from lawsuits, to incarceration, to bankruptcies, to everything in-between. Forget about DIVORCES...whew...that's a whole new can of worms there. We could go on about that all day long about the devastation that divorces cause! So why not do whatever you can to avoid all that drama?

The bottom line is...if you don't know your mate, or your potential mate...if you haven't built that foundation of trust and loyalty BEFORE you sign papers, or you have a baby, or you buy a house, or you just live together, or you expose your children (especially if you expose your children to this person) you are setting yourself up for RELATIONSHIP FAILURE! You are setting yourself up for a LIFE FAILURE! What is your hurry? If you are so impatient, and you can't control your hormones or your emotions, and you just need a place to live, or your money is running low, or "I really, really want to have a baby," or "Oh God...I'm so lonely, I can't stand it".  No, you can't stand YOU! You need to learn to change your life...get healthy, (emotionally, spiritually, an physically)... try to fix your own problems, AND THEN...YOU CAN START THINKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED, either for the first time, or for the next time, for the LAST TIME. 

Otherwise, you can and you should pick the option of REMAINING FRIENDS. Visit, hang out, travel, eat dinner, drink coffee...TALK, TALK, TALK! Communication is the best thing in the world between friends. The people with whom I have had the best conversations were amongst my best relationships. We had common ideas, common goals, common tastes and desires.  Those are the things that hold friendships together. THEN... after you BOTH agree (MUTUAL ATTRACTION) that taking the friendship to THE NEXT LEVEL is something you BOTH want...you can go ahead and do what you want. Until then...put the condoms away, turn off the sexy music, pick up a book and learn how to be someone who someone else can love and more importantly RESPECT!  Respect is the most important element of ANY relationship, either business or personal. We know this, instinctively.  So why would you want to be around anyone who abuses or disrespects you? Hopefully, you have worked on that self-esteem problem and gotten rid of it BEFORE you get into the Dating Pool, because otherwise the user and abuser sharks  are going to be circling around your stupid carc-ass like so much chum in the ocean.

The thing I wanted to say about career choices is that marriage (or the lack thereof) can usually (but not always) determine your financial success in life. Go back to the beginning of this blog and read what is on the website link about how marriage and career success are intimately connected. Aside from giving you the opportunity to be exposed to many dating options, and thus having the money to date a better class of people, career choices give you the flexibility to make necessary decisions. Being married does not GUARANTEE financial success, no more than being financially successful can GUARANTEE marital bliss. However, I can say this with certainty...FAULTY MARRIAGE CHOICES CAN AND WILL DESTROY YOUR FINANCIAL STABILITY!!! 

Look at it like building a mansion on a sand dune.  It might be alright as long as the sun is shining, but the first hurricane that comes along is going to destroy your beautiful home. And, depending upon the severity of the storm and your insurance or your ability to rebuild, you will either be able to recover or you will be devastated for the rest of your life. That is why the decision to marry the right person, UNDER THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES will be, and IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION that you will make in your life. The ONLY insurance and assurance that you can get against Marital Destruction is believing in a higher power that can and will guide your steps toward building a better  foundation in your life--- and more importantly, in YOUR CHILDREN'S lives. Witness the scandals, the divorce rate and the seemingly total collapse of the family structure in our society. When the family collapses...the WHOLE society is not far behind. So yes...the microcosm of a simple good marriage has a whole lot to do with the world at large. That is why it is so important for you to choose wisely!

So...Happy Building! Your Relationship-to-Marriage Home is almost finished!